Living In Space Sounds Like A Pretty Tough Gig

In space, no one can hear you scream. That ultimately makes me think that the best place for me would be in the infinite black void of the universe. Because, let me tell you, 2016 is making me scream - like, properly scream. And not happy screaming, but the type of screaming you'd have heard from a One Directioner when Zayn decided to bail on the rest of the boys. Sad times.

Anyway, space is terrifying, dangerous and terrifyingly dangerous, which is probably why we absolutely love sci-fi films, and movies about space travel have been a Hollywood staple since E.T. was just a twinkle in Steven Spielberg's eye.

Carrying on the great sci-fi film tradition is Passengers (out on December 21st, FYI) starring Jennifer Lawrence, Chris Pratt and a robot version of Michael Sheen. The film is about two passengers aboard a spaceship transporting 5,259 other folks on a 120-year voyage to deliver said people to a colony planet. But J-Law and Pratt's hibernation pods open prematurely, at which point it's fair to say - without giving too much away - they have a good, old-fashioned intergalactic barney.

But, for the most part, stratospheric ding-dongs aren't actually good for your health. In fact, as fun and jaunty as space seems, it's the most downright unforgiving place for humans to exist. So, before you blast off to infinity and beyond, read our guide about the do's and don'ts of hurtling through the cosmos, as inspired by the events of Passengers.

ZERO GRAVITY

Hey, you know gravity, yeah? The attraction between two masses and stuff? OK, so in space there is still gravity, but just a lot less of it. I know, right? Science is wild! Anyway, what this means is that you will weigh a tiny fraction of your Earth weight, which is probably a good thing around this time of year when you balloon due to the huge fractions of ham, turkey and cake.

http://giphy.com/gifs/yJmrjB1YRXqg  check  this out!

Unfortunately, everything else will also weigh next to nothing, like water, piss, beer, vomit and all other types of things that frankly should never float. So, make sure you watch out for yours and your fellow passengers' liquids up there. Even sweat can be a problem, as astronaut Chris Hadfield explains:

"It just accumulates on your body like a slowly expanding liquid shield. If you turn your head quickly, that huge, wet glob of sweat might dislodge, sail across the module and smack an unsuspecting crew-mate in the face."

Lovely stuff.

FIXING SPACESHIPS

Not gonna lie to you, guys, actually getting the chance to ever be in space is pretty bloody hard. For one thing, the unforgiving abyss thing means that they only let humanity's finest of the fine go up there. I know, we all had a laugh when Bruce Willis and the lads from Armageddon had a comical knees-up whilst trying to save humanity from an asteroid, but the fact of the matter is those guys wouldn't have lasted two minutes in space without dying in a not-so-comical fashion.

For one thing, when something goes wrong, which it always does, the only people who can fix it are you and your fellow space buddies. In real life, the American government is not going to trust their billion dollar spaceships with Steve Buscemi and Ben Affleck.

For example, on one recent mission, Expedition 32, flight engineer Suni Williams and astronaut Aki Hoshide fixed a crucial unit outside a ship whilst on a six-hour spacewalk using a modified toothbrush. A MODIFIED TOOTHBRUSH. I can barely brush my own teeth, let alone fix a bloody spaceship. So, if you do ever make it up there, make sure you 'brush up' (ha haaaaa) on your DIY skills, because you're gonna need them.

BEING BORED

Listen, remember when I said space was terrifying, dangerous and so on? What if the real shit-scary danger was your OWN BRAIN! No, but seriously, when you're not in mortal danger space can be pretty tedious, especially when travelling huge distances. But unlike the suspiciously good-looking Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers, we haven't yet got a) hibernation machines to sleep in while you travel, b) suspiciously good-looking fellow passengers and c) a robot Michael Sheen serving you free alcohol.

That poses the question, what do astronauts do to keep from going insane? Apparently cooking is a good one, as professor Kim Binstead from the University of Hawaii, who is studying the long-term psychological effects of spaceflight, explains:

"If you look at the same things every day, if you eat the same things every day, if you hear the same things every day, it can produce some negative psychological effects. The creativity of making food and the way you can use the same set of ingredients in different meals, those things were very psychologically important to the crew."

EXERCISE

Another way of relieving boredom is masturbation exercise, and you will need to be doing this pretty much relentlessly or else your muscles may start to dissolve like a Berocca. Well, sort of. Seriously, though, the whole gravity thing we have here on Earth is really good for your body, even if it makes you age terribly and also makes falling over hurt quite a lot, especially if you're overweight like me.

Anyway, according to NASA, astronauts who spend long periods of time in space suffer from sometimes irreversible 'muscular atrophy, cardiovascular de-conditioning, and bone loss'. That is a complicated way of saying if they stay too long they will end up looking like a naked Mr. Burns. So, on average, an astronaut will exercise up to two-and-a-half hours a day.

But they can't just bang a few squats and bench press and be done with it, they need to use specialist equipment, like the Treadmill Vibration Isolation System (a treadmill you have to strap yourself into), the Cycle Ergometer with Vibration Isolation System (Bicycle you have to strap yourself into) and the Resistive Exercise Device (kind of like weights but not as hard because, y'know, no gravity and stuff). So basically if you do get a chance to go up to space, you can't just sit/float around on your arse, because the lack of gravity will literally eat you alive.

All in all, space sounds fun, right? Even if you're threatened with being stuck there for all eternity like our mates in Passengers.